Cuddawa!

I spent a long leisurely Shabbos evening with the inimitable Castelbaum sisters–Krayna and Janice last night, April 8th. The conversation over dinner was enlightening and great fun. Krayna is studying with Michael Neil in the supercoach academy so our conversations were about those deep blocks to being free, to seeing ourselves free of conditioning fears. We rode over the landscape on our ponies and galloped over the old tapes, stomping them a bit. We laughed a lot, cried a little. We honored the past that has kept us safe, and now has locked us up in beliefs of our own making. “Beliefs will trump motivation every time,” Krayna iterated.

So it is a new day. I’ve had so many experiences in the past six months that led up to the conversation last evening, most viscerally one in a holotropic breathwork in which I gave birth to the world, and it was fresh and new as if it had just taken it’s first breath, and I knew: each breath can be just this. Each breath can bring us the presence and joy of that moment, without all the layers of fear, judgement, constraint and expectation. How to keep that knowing fresh is the option of this time in my life. And today it seems totally possible. Totally obtainable.

And it’s all because of Shabbos. That rest from how we think and move in the world so that inspiration can enlighten us. At Ktayna’s Shabbos rituals we pull two cards: an angel card and a Shabbos card. Last night I pulled the ‘inspiration’ angel card…and wonder of wonders, the ‘shabbos’ card itself. It’s been years in the making, but I have become so aware of my western need to not truly rest, to keep my mind engaged at all times. The recent past including the croning ceremony in January of this year (of which I have yet to blog about–I just can’t seem to find the words…) have brought me to the place of non-lazy non-engagement for at least a few hours each week. Where electronic devices are turned off. Where candles are lit and the week’s work is honored but released; prayers of connection for those we love are foremost in our mind. And then we breathe out, and what a mighty breath that is.

In that out-breath if we let go of conditioning, even the suffering of the world makes us less fearful or reactive. For me, holding onto that suffering has been how I can be in compassion. But a new day is dawning in which compassion has a wholly other characteristic. The characteristic is rest, that non-attached outbreath of letting be, of knowing that the world will do what it does, and my part in that remains to be uncovered. But for that moment, that compassionate moment, I do not have to carry it. Compassion carries all of us on her wings. And we can struggle or rest. I’m choosing to rest.

And the laughter? Well, I told the story of a friend’s sister who, with her 14 month old in her carseat in the back, had someone pull out in front of her that startled and annoyed her. When she blurted out, ‘What the f….’, Little Ears in the back reflected just as if in a responsive reading in church, ‘Cuddawa?’ So ‘cuddawa’ has become the code word, of course, for not cussing in inappropriate times. But it’s also in my close circle of friends come to be the watch word for ‘here’s something to steer clear of, here’s something to be aware of.’

So Cuddawa here on this Shabbos morning, my friends. I want to steer clear of my knowing, my thinking, my deep consideration of what I perceive to be happening in the world. Want to just ride with me on the wings of compassion and see what happens?

The Course in Miracles says that we know the teachers of God because…well, not because they sit straighter, try to be more holy, pray harder, do more good deeds. This book of un-conditioning our minds says that we’ll know the teachers of God because they smile more! They get the joke. Cuddawa!