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When It's Your Time ....
Wed, 07/13/2011 - 5:20pm
Time heals pain, so I am now able to share a tragedy that occurred in our family. On April 26th, at 9:23 am - Pacific Standard time, my cousin's wife drove off the 4th floor of a parking garage of a gym in West Los Angeles, CA. Maris was killed instantly. At first we all thought she must have had a heart attack or stroke. But that wasn't the case according to the coroner who was one of the first who arrived on the scene of the accident after the police. Ironically the coroner was a friend of Maris'. I am amazed at the amount of people that have asked me, "Did she commit suicide?" Her car went right through the cement barricade that wasn't secured with rebar to the pillars on either side of the barricade so it gave way like a hinge door allowing the car to go over the side. I can't inagine a more horrifying way to die and that haunts me to this day.
Maris was a brillant woman. She had been a paralegal for many years for lawyers in Beverly Hill, CA. She was going to the gym in preparation for a knee replacement that was planned for June or July. Two months ago I had told my cousin, Doug, the importance of preparing the knee for surgery with exercise. And now I am feeling slightly guility. But I also believe when it is your time to go, IT'S YOUR TIME.
Maris' funeral service was on Sunday, May 1st.........the same day Usama bin Laden's death was announced, which I am sure thrilled Maris. Maris was Jewish and my family is not, hence this was the first time I participated in a Jewish service - a beautiful experience that will live with me forever. The synagogue was so serene. We all faced the clear cut glass window picturing the TREE OF LIFE behind the Cantor's podium. The service fascinated me with the Cantor who sang and chanted liturgical music and lead the congregation in prayer. It was a very moving experience for me and I felt honored to be there.
When a person is sick and death is imminent, you can prepare. But it is such a shock when death occurs suddenly and you are caught off guard. Your defenses are down. My cousin is like my brother and we are very close. We all lived together during the depression because times were tough and two families could live together cheaper in one household. Our closeness has helped hold each other up during this tragedy. Thank you for letting me share here with you about this and I hope it resonates somewhere for some.
:) Petie....the OTR
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Those who read Petie's pieces at Lumigrate.com (found regularly in the forum related to therapies/functional and occupational -- link: http://www.lumigrate.com/forums/integrative-medicine-parts-m...) learn she grew up in California with "Bobby" Redford and has had an interesting life from beginning to today. She graduated from USC in technical illustrating and drafting and was the first female draftsman for The Wall Street Journal in South Brunswick, New Jersey. She returned to USC to become an occupational therapist and enjoyed the 'heyday' of therapy in prestigious programs in California, and was an entrepreneur for many years. She had a daughter then adopted a son, Thomas, who she writes about regularly; they have been each others' greatest teachers, as it turns out he had developmental disabilities. Remarrying in middle age, she and her husband Bob moved to Colorado and now enjoy 'active retirement'. Petie appreciates the opportunities to continue teaching through sharing at Lumigrate and hopes those who read find as much enjoyment in reading as she does in writing.
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Oh Petie -- This piece spoke to me in many ways. I knew you'd been working on it and here it arrived for Lumigrate to read on Memorial Day. One of our Grate Group of contributors' mother passed away after a year-long time with cancer, earlier this holiday weekend. My father passed last Labor Day and my experience for me is that the first year of all the holidays and special days after a loss is a particular time for reflection -- and then, gratefully for me, it gets easier rapidly.
My mother and her cousin were like brother and sister, also a depression-era 'thing'. While we are in the "Great Recession" recently, there was another recession in the late 1950s in Colorado which lead to his family and my family (just before I was born) all 'shacking up' -- and I say this because the house I was raised in was essentially two good sized shacks that eventually was turned into a comfortable yet ramshackled home. So on Memorial Day in years past our families would be together -- as we were on all other holidays. Since my parents were both only children, I have no 'real' aunts, uncles, or cousins! Her cousin was my 'Uncle', as was her best friend's husband .. that way I had a couple of aunts and uncles. Of those, half didn't have children, so I truly have the smallest family I've known of; my sister and I both opted to not have children.
That's why I like the word framily so much, and I truly understand how you feel your cousin is more like a brother. On my dad's side, his female cousin who also was an only child and had no children was my 'aunt' -- you've always reminded me of her somehow.
My dad had a progressive neurologic disease, so I have most recently experienced a situation where there are literally years and decades to prepare. My mother had a cerebral brain hemorrhage in 1987 and my family experienced the 'sudden, unexpected' at that time. In her case, I thought it 'admirable' because she was about to go down a long and difficult path due to her lifestyle related to tobacco and alcohol use/abuse. It simply meant we switched gears and worked through the change of dynamics that comes from having someone 'here today, gone tomorrow'.
The most difficult for me was a friend who had been murdered in Hawaii on vacation just months prior to my mother's death. Christine had made application for medical school -- her dream with her husband Danny was to help young people with mental health problems; he went on to do that. She had gotten a masters in nutrition and had become a 'health nut' and went out running every evening before dinner and it is believed she witnessed a drug deal so was killed. I didn't have any spiritual perspective at that time to help me with the reality that her Christmas card had said 'I'll call you when I get to Colorado after my family vacation on Maui' and instead of having lunch with her in my home town, I was having drinks and appetizers with all my classmates after her funeral.
One of my friends, though, had been studying with her mother, something that lined up with my beliefs up to that point and in a way, Christine's death, along with another two that occurred in that same timeframe, lead me to developing my spiritual path. The stress combined with a lot of other stressors both physical and emotional lead to my health crisis in my late 20s and when I was recovering from that, I said in a moment of deep reflection 'why did this happen to me?' and the response I got was essentially 'it had to do with 'out there' ... G-d as Yenta and the other Jewish people I believe write the word. I believe all that was given to me in hardships and benefits or abilities was leading me to create Lumigrate, which is increasingly getting information from many different perspectives to help people learn and grow and BE better.
Essentially when something is not far in the rear view mirror you don't know 'why', but having trust that down the road you'll see why is one of the benefits of age and experience, to me. I hope you have that now, Petie -- knowing that in the future it'll make sense somehow. But I am sorry you've had another challenge -- and certainly appreciate your writing about it and sharing for others to embrace. ~~ Mardy
Live and Learn. Learn and Live Better! is my motto. I'm Mardy Ross, and I founded Lumigrate in 2008 after a career as an occupational therapist with a background in health education and environmental research program administration. Today I function as the desk clerk for short questions people have, as well as 'concierge' services offered for those who want a thorough exploration of their health history and direction to resources likely to progress their health according to their goals. Contact Us comes to me, so please do if you have questions or comments. Lumigrate is "Lighting the Path to Health and Well-Being" for increasing numbers of people. Follow us on social networking sites such as: Twitter: http://twitter.com/lumigrate and Facebook. (There is my personal page and several Lumigrate pages. For those interested in "groovy" local education and networking for those uniquely talented LumiGRATE experts located in my own back yard, "LumiGRATE Groove of the Grand Valley" is a Facebook page to join. (Many who have joined are beyond our area but like to see the Groovy information! We not only have FUN, we are learning about other providers we can be referring patients to and 'wearing a groove' to each other's doors -- or websites/home offices!) By covering some of the things we do, including case examples, it reinforces the concepts at Lumigrate.com as well as making YOU feel that you're part of a community. Which you ARE at Lumigrate!