Stop the Violence of Bullying and Abuse re: LGBT

Thank you for posting this, Alex.  We've known each other since 1992 I believe, through the nontraditional student organization at Colorado State University, where you and I were working on our Bachelor's degrees (and you went on for your Master's), and have hung out in the past for many years as couples when we were both coupled up with people of the opposite sex ("NOT that there's anything wrong with that " as Seinfeld made famous about that time), I'd not known of the attack you referred to.  Then on Facebook in the past year or two I saw you posting about LGBT and thought maybe you were going to 'come out' about something.  Then I saw you had taken the type of self defense course that I think is THE way to go.  So I asked you what was up and you shared the story privately, so I was pleased to see that you were now being more public about what happened to you long ago and how that has affected your present.  

I've seen many touching segments or shows on television about this issue, and I'm saddened that we're still having this type of issue in our country so many years after the famous case of Matthew Shepherd in Laramie, Wyoming.  I have watched the movie about that and followed the story since it occurred; since I spent 18 years in Fort Collins attending Colorado State University (8 years to finally complete a bachelors!) or working 10 years for both the air quality project (8) or the Student Health Center Health Education Department, I MANY times drove past that fence post where he would be left to die a dreadfully horrendous death, I would imagine.  

I was working for the Health Ed. Department when we met, you likely will recall.  I was the 'portal person' for the health educator, director for the center for drug and alcohol education, and the counseling center's full time person addressing gender identity issues, eating disorders, etc.  Her 'thing' was 'diversity'.   And after two years being immersed in that lovely group of progressed, healthy humans (one male, eight women -- never any 'issues'/problems that weren't handled professionally and maturely), I was full time immersed in the OT program which, in my opinion, spent a little too much time on diversity training and too little on teaching us what we'd need to do our jobs when we graduated.  But perhaps it wasn't too much.  We did a wonderful exercise in a lab class that teased out what our personal biases were; mine were rich people and cowboys; I'd had bad experiences in my formative years with those two types of people growing up where I did. 

Through Facebook, I've connected with hundreds of people that grew up where I did and there's a group where people were talking about the old times and someone brought up the bullying of the cowboys (which is both girls and boys).  And I thought 'oh no --- I basically run this group and so now I have to mediate this'.  

Fortunately, 10 years ago one of the cowboys at an 'all school, all years' reunion approached me and asked if I was his 6th grade teacher's daughter --- I look like my mom and she did teach 6th her first year teaching and they were just too difficult for her at that age, so she went to 4th for the rest of her career. She was a REALLY strict teacher, not strict at all as a mom, but she ran a tight ship and expected good behavior and taught "The FOUR Rs" -- reading, 'riting, 'rithmatic and RESPECT".  So I was having a panic attack thinking this guy was going to beat me up the way they used to when we were in school.  He asked how she is, and I said she'd died in 1987.  He was SO nice, and said 'she did me a lot of good'.  And his group of all the families of cowboys, who I felt were like gangs in cities, were sitting right next to my table of cohorts and we all just were GRATE.  

Living for the last 8 years in western Colorado, as I have, I appreciate having had more pleasant experiences with many who were raised on ranches --- I've had some problems too, but no more than with others.  I think a lot of people these days have things to just get straightened out about themselves and how they behave and treat others -- and themselves, really! But because of all that, I asked one of the cowboy/girls to hop into the discussion and she said 'I just got off the phone with my sister --- we agree, we were bullies and should be ashamed of ourselves and apologize'.  

The power of social media websites to contribute to discussing and healing is even a tool!  And since the forums at Lumigrate are, technically, a social media format, I believe people who come here and read and potentially write, will benefit from this post.  So thank you.  

When I read what you wrote, I had a thought as well, that last year I saw other providers of content at Lumigrate who have 'come out' a bit about their health challenges, as the result of reading someone on Lumigrate being more open about things they're afraid they'll be judged for.  And then they'll see something that someone else writes, or I provide about another aspect of things, such as Adverse Childhood Experiences and the role of being out of wellness and into illness with the body/mind system, and they'll take another step in their process of 'peeling the onion' of figuring out what all had contributed to lead the body away from wellness, so they can then work on things that can allow it to head back to where it wants to be (well).   

We're all in this together, as I say.  I'm SO glad we both felt our being 30ish and in college was grounds to join the nonTrad club.  Aside from the band that I sang backups for with that one performance, the club was overall a bit disappointing.  You two came to that too, huh -- you were the fun person the magician pulled out of the crowd to demonstrate on with that rope trick! 

I'm sorry this happened to you, Alex -- for those who read this, there's another topic in this same forum, you can click on the link just above this at the right of the string of "Home, Forums...." and see it, titled something about Shame/Blame to Letting it Go -- it's about when something harmful happens, a cycle of shame/ blame happens and there's a process to work through to get to letting it go.  There's a lot of GRATE discussion with Dr Young and a woman with fibromyalgia who is a social worker by training who talks about her abuse in childhood and very good questions about defining 'forgiveness' related to an attacker/abuser.  Hope that helps people.  Maybe even YOU will get something out of it Alex!  Or you'll say 'yup, that's the process I've done'.  Either way, I'm glad you're part of the process here at Lumigrate.    

Live and Learn.  Learn and Live Better! ~~ Mardy

I'm going to tack this on as well.  One of the two men I've had in my life in the past 20 years, since meeting Alex, was a born again Christian.  We met when I attended a career fair in order to talk to someone as I'd identified the company he worked for as one I would like to work for and get back into a system that paid into the retirement fund that I have 10 years with.   Someone had offered me free Moody Blues tickets and I couldn't use them so I offered them to him.  He actually knew so little about people who were 'nonaffiliated spiritual' as I am, that he thought at first I was Wiccan. I'm a moderate user of astrology and to him, that was Wiccan.  So we had MANY conversations over our MANY years together about God, Christ, etc.  AND we spent even more time helping found a successful blues nonprofit.  Part of what we did for education/outreach was to have weekly FREE concerts in one of the parks in Downtown Colorado Springs.  Prior to meeting him, I'd been trying to meet people to go out for blues with and the closest I had come was the 'folkies', and they were really an amazing group.  One of them was a tall blond man who wore skirts and makeup and considered himself 'transgendered'.  I'd talked with him at a gathering after the funeral for the mother of one of the guitar talents in that circle, someone I'd had a VERY long day cross - country skiing with when I was new to the group.  You don't just share a deep conversation with someone after a funeral and not have that touch your heart and soul.  At least, I don't.  

So my beau and I are standing on the sidewalk talking to people as a band was playing at one of the concerts, and here comes a tall, long-haired blond man with makeup, wearing a blue jean skirt -- above the knees.  And I might add, I was a bit jealous, he had such good legs!  I said 'Oh, there's Buzz!' and my beau said 'please don't invite him to talk to us'.  So I didn't tackle him as he walked by, and went over and talked with him by myself.  And later my beau said 'that wasn't right of me to think that about him, I'm sorry.  Next time we see him, please introduce us.'.  

We never saw him out again, but when I moved here eight years ago, he followed my lead and moved here too, as he'd recently retired.  He had a cute little dog which was therapy trained/certified and one of the nurses and activities director were in a relationship as lesbians and both had dogs and were downtown a lot with their dogs.  So we'd talk with them a lot when we ran into them.  They broke up, and I told my beau that after work, and he was sincerely sorry to hear that.  We were next -- guess it was something in the air that spring.  Literally -- he had grown up in Georgia and was allergic to peach pollen and there are a lot of peach pollen producing trees in this Valley.  He was miserable.  He also had PTSD from his past traumas, which started in childhood and were antagonized in Vietnam.  He chose to get his health care through the VA here, and their way of saving money is to start everyone off on the cheaper forms of medications, and he'd been very painstakingly medicated by a particularly caring PA back in the Springs; they'd taken some classes together at Colorado Christian University.  And he kind of fell apart.  

In my opinion it was partly the body (allergies), mind (psychological/moving, retiring), and SPIRIT -- it really messed with his head that he was no longer 'anti' gay, that he'd learned something from someone he'd thought was Wiccan when we met.  It was a painful breakup for me, as we got along very well when there weren't problems from his health/my health (particularly the PTSD when it got triggered by something).  But he came back around to essentially apologize/explain after I'd started Lumigrate.  He was impressed with it, said there was much on it that would help veterans and he insisted I get it to our Veterans; the ones returning now, he said, have it so much worse than we had it in Vietnam, if you can believe that.  

I'd say, we learned a LOT from each other, and have mutual respect now, and are better people for having learned from someone so different from us. I hope many will read that again, and think about applying that today as our country gets increasingly polarized and conflicted.  That's what will bring people out to really create change, so it's necessary, unfortunately.  And then this is perhaps something that can help inspire peacefulness related to our personal conflicts, whatever those may be.