If You Want Love, Learn How to Forgive! Here's How, from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love

A Daily Lover emailed me this morning and asked about forgiveness. How do we do it? Why do we do it and what goes into this whole forgiveness thing anyways?

Well, first let me say that of all the tools and principles in the personal growth shed – forgiveness is the most important of them. You might ask, isn’t Love the most important – well, yes, but to forgive one must Love. But, forgiveness is the quintessential trait that we are asked to learn on The Path. And – because of the, it’s also the hardest.

You see, forgiveness is one of those things that can only happen after something REALLY intense and negative has gone down. Forgiveness isn’t a lesson we learn with a smile on our face. In order to TRULY be able to forgive – we must first be betrayed, either by ourselves or by someone else. And when that happens, unless you are an enlightened Master, there’s a forgiveness curve that begins. Some folks never complete their forgiveness curve, they hold on to a grudge until they die. And that is the worst kind of life, a life lived in the constant and perpetual pain of wishing the past could be different that it was – an impossible wish – and also a really great excuse NOT to grow.

The forgiveness arc starts with accepting and coming to terms with what happened. Depending on the nature of the event, this may be very easy or very hard. Many times we push down things we don’t want to remember, but when we do that – they tend to pop up in all kinds of weird ways. First we must accept that it happened. This doesn’t make it right, but it does put us in touch with the truth.

After we accept what happened, then we must step into feeling the feelings we feel – and not doing anything about them. And knowing that we are not a bad person for feeling this way – it’s totally normal and natural to feel negative feelings around an event that requires forgiveness. We give full expression to the pain through journaling, through therapy/life coaching and through meditation/yoga and the sorts. First we accept, then we feel – without making our feelings wrong.

Then – we give expression to our feelings. This could be writing it out, journaling, prayer – all those things help us to express the emotions. As we begin to do this, we step out of the certainty of anger and embrace the uncertainty of the sadness that is below the anger – and we express it.

If we do not begin to reframe what happened, then we will go back into anger and begin a vicious loop of anger into sadness, into anger into sadness. That loop will continue until we step into the next phase – which I call Forgiveness A.

Forgiveness A – means that we are willing to forgive whoever hurt us. This includes forgiving ourselves. This doesn’t make it right what they did, but it does begin to free us from the pain and sadness cycle. We forgive them, not for them and not to let them off the hook, but to free ourselves. After a while, if we do not do this, we are actually letting them win by holding on to the pain. The best way to get back at someone who hurt you is to forgive him or her, because then you get to take your power back and they no longer hold dominion over your life.

As we step into Forgiveness A – life gets better. We are beginning to move on. It’s not as bad as it used to be – the charge is less. And most people stay in Forgiveness A – which is totally fine and perfect. And if you can get here, you’ve made a MAJOR win.

But Forgiveness B – that is the place that is the hardest to get to, yet to the most rewarding – and the most confronting. Forgiveness B takes forgiveness to a whole new level – when you forgive from a place of Forgiveness B – this is the level of forgiveness that Jesus, Buddha and the like would do. And it’s hard. Level B Forgiveness asks us not only to forgive those who hurt us, but also Love them. And see that from their point of view, they are in tremendous pain and their act against us was just a very messed up request for Love.

So, we step into Loving those that hurt us. This doesn’t mean they have to become out best friends; we can Love them from a distance, but if we get here – we are totally free. And we can express our forgiveness to those who have hurt us most – which will help to set them free as well. Because they are still suffering from the event, just as you are.

And when we step into Forgiveness B – we also see that what we once thought was a horrible event, we now see as Grace – and an event that shaped our lives in a way that – even though it was extremely difficult – was a part of our lives that happened to help us grow. When we see past events that hurt us as Grace – then we are totally free and nothing will ever be able to touch us again.

Wherever you are on the Forgiveness Arc – it’s ok and perfect for this moment. One of the worst things we can do is try to rush this process. Forgiveness is an acceptance process and it is very personal.

The one thing I would like to share is that the sweet revenge of forgiveness is that when we get there – we have totally gotten the best kind of revenge we could ever imagine – because we are living a life that is no longer touched by the negative ghosts of the past! So, don’t forgive for them, forgive for you!

So, are you ready to get the sweetest kind of revenge? Let me know: WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com or leave a comment, below.

Love & forgiveness,

Mastin

Mastin Kipp is the CEO and Founder of The Daily Love. Follow him on Twitter here.

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The link to this blog topic at The Daily Love, where you can also comment is: thedailylove.com/if-you-want-love-learn-how-to-forgive-heres-how/  If you comment here, we'll let Mastin know as well. We really appreciate his 'sharing the daily love' in this forum at Lumigrate, and hope this piece is of benefit to YOU. ~~Mardy