"Crying Closet"

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The last few days I have been wondering what has happened to the inner workings of my mind.  Where has my positive outlook hidden itself?  Why is it replaced by thoughts I don't want coming to the surface?

Sure, I've been barraged with things beyond my control, and my pain of late has been over the top, but it's not the first time in my life.  I always handled it much better than I have this time.  I want my smile back.

The past few days, all of the things I thought I had tucked away in the recesses of my mind have surfaced.  Why have I been thinking about the terrifying things and the anxious moments of my entire life?  Why all of a sudden am I reliving the time a man and woman tried to abduct myself, my sister and my brother from the streets of a small town in the South.  Or the time we were playing on an island in the Mississippi River, where Mama told us not to go, and were chased off by a man shouting at us in a foreign language with a huge knife in one hand and broken wine bottle in the other? (He turned out to be a murder from Brazil who had stowed away on a ship and jumped ship before it got to New Orleans.)  I've relived the time a woman tried to run out of a store with my baby in my cart and I knocked her to the ground to save my son. I've thought of the natural disasters, the floods, hurricanes, and tornadoes I have been in or those which affected others around me.

I am a Christian and I know in those times and in so many others, God's protection has been upon me.  And yet I cried.  I went for years without crying, why now?

I have thought about the injustices of this world and how many are mistreated and abused and I've cried.  I've thought about all the people hurting physically or mentally and I've cried. I've thought of the abuse and the neglected and I've cried.

What has opened the floodgates of my tears?  Sure I am in intense pain and I am most likely headed for another serious spine surgery, but I've been there before and I didn't go to this place in my psyche.  Why now?

I must be getting past this state of being, because I can write about.  Two days ago I could not have done that.  I was reading that it is healthy to cry and release those emotions.  Perhaps I am getting healther  just by the flow of tears and by sharing this.

 

 

Alice,

First off, I'm so sorry for the many things you have had to deal with in your life.   What an amazingly strong woman you are to have gotten through it all.

So why are the floodgates open now?  I suspect it is because it's safe for them to open.   We hold onto the pain, the fears, the agonies, there is a safety in keeping them close.    Because letting them go means we become vulnerable.   I think your body has decided it's time to be vulnerable.

Crying is one of the few ways our body can release such pain.   Please allow yourself time to grieve all you have had to endure.   Allow yourself to feel some anger and feel some hurt and feel some pain.    And then find a way to move forward.     For me, therapy is essential.   I have to be able to say these things out loud to someone who will not judge me and who will support me.  

I wish you all the best and hope you will find your way to move forward.   Thank you so much for trusting us with your pain.

Aimee

I am also sorry about what you had to go through in your life. I feel like I have to hide my feelings and thoughts to stay strong for my son. When I became sick he was only 7. At that time I was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed for almost 6 months. He had to do alot of things around the house (of course with the help of my mother). Yes I feel depressed at times. Yes I feel guilty for putting my son through that. Yes I feel guilty that we don't have enough money each month. I don't cry very often. I think alot. I do alot of self-help. Please don't ask me what my "self-help" is because I think i'm the only one who knows what it is...LOL...I've gone to therapy. They just want to put you on meds and that's not what I need. Yes we talked about things but I just wasn't comfortable talking to anyone about everything. I'm not bipolar like some of them said. Yes I have some depression and anxiety but hey don't we all?

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I hope this will allow you to not go back neccessarily to the place you used to be at where you couldnt share your sadness and tears, but to a new place where you can share and be more open. I am hoping having read this will somehow allow me to tell my story, but there is a part of me that doesnt think  I need to share mine. I am ok with it. So we shall see, but thank you for sharing your soul.

Alice dawlink,

I'm glad you're able to be among friends and family here and kibbitz with us.  Yes dear, it's your Yenta, your Bubbie (Grandma), and you can always be comfortable here.  You've found a home, a place of safety, of love and support where you'll never be turned away or told your pain is all in your head.  This maybe one of the many reasons your "flood gates" have opened.

You've been through enough, I know this, I've read it.  Release it and let it leave, it no longer belongs to you.  Nothing but good should be in your life now.  Your strength comes from your heart and soul, believe in yourself as you believe in G-d and you will always be in warm, comforting light.  For some, this maybe a little too hippi-ish; vistaych? (Yiddish for understand).

My friend and neighbor, Ellen, who also belongs here, reminds me and I will remind you; breathe.  When pain hits we tend to hold our breath - don't, it makes it worse.  Just breathe, relax as best you can.  Remember you are loved.

Your Yenta

Alice, I have had some painful and frightening incidents in my past also. Very different than yours, but still devastating to me. I have always had a need to control my surroundings/environment and create my own safe place in all areas of myself.  I was able to do this because although I hurt emotionally and physically, I would "stuff" my feelings down and push forward. I was a single mom with a 7 year old during all this who will soon be 17 in February, so I felt I had no choice. After I had be diagnosed with fibro among a few other things, I really struggled (still struggle) with not being able to control my environment enough to "protect" my state of being. I can no longer work and I really struggle with my role in this world and as a mother. It seems like the more out of control I feel the more I  realize the need to turn loose my death grip on everything. I am now starting to release emotions that I was too numb or shut off to do before. It is strange because having always been the strong one, so to speak, it makes my family and friends  greatly alarmed by my ability to cry easily now. I still try to not cry too often around others since it does seem to cause them concern. The main thing is that the ability to cry is a huge gift, it releases pain, joy, loss, sadness, grief, and all the things we chose to ignore whether  consciously or not. It is our soul's way of healing I think. I believe that God keeps his hand on us through all we go through. Even though there are days that are despairing in not knowing how to go to the next day, deep inside I know I will never be alone because He is there watching and listening and loving.  What I am trying to say in a very convoluted way is to embrace your tears, embrace the release of long ago hurts that still haunt you within. We were not made to keep all this inside, so reach out for the peace you so richly deserve. Don't be concerned, your soul is healing!