"Boundaries"- helpful or hurtful?

Gwen - I really appreciate the perspective you bring to the table (through Lumigrate's forum) by sharing from your history as a person growing and changing, presumably 'getting better'.   I hope I am as appropriately candid and revealing. 

That's interesting you experienced what I call the 'pendulum' of personal growth.  I did it with "yes/no" in my 20s (practicing saying 'no' to phone solicitors by the way -- back when they were always people and not recordings you just push a 2 to get taken off the list -- HOW people practice today, I don't know! ).  When, in my 20s, I started realizing my mother's alcoholism and the impact it had on me, I also 'did the pendulum thing' about alcohol and went totally 'on the wagon' for a while.  My mother gave me a mug that said 'moderation in all things ... but don't overdue it".  She was concerned I'd become 'boring', she said.  So I've done my best to be in the middle of the 'swing' of things, and not be TOO boring.   

A health crisis with a family member not only doesn't allow 'moderation' .... it definitely calls upon prioritization and problem-solving skills.  Living in the west and having done a LOT of driving for many years, I've had my share of being 'there' when or shortly after a car or motorcycle crash occurs.  It's always an absurd experience for me because it forces the Aries in me to shine through from behind my Gemini moon stuff, for those who interpret people through astrology.  A behavioral therapist might see it as my true personality pops up from behind all the masks I've created over the years of experiences, good and bad, in my previous years.  I say this mostly to bring to light that no matter HOW you chose to look at how and why people behave, to look at how people behave  and figure out 'why': not for the sake of judgment, but for the sake of figure out how you're going to respond.  

If a person went into adulthood with a difficulty in saying 'no', that tells quite a lot about the values of the parents and it was very common for people of 'our generation' (being baby boomers) to have had that issue, and hopefullly we've all figured that out and worked it through and are different.  We've gone on to be successful in adulthood, in vocation (jobs/careers/school), and 'avocation' -- hobbies and leisure, friendships, etc.  Most typically we live at least some distance from our families of origin, but sometimes some of the family has stayed closer than others and there has been a 'definition' of the roles.  

And then, in a crisis, everyone rushes to the bedside or graveside and ALL that comes into play... all the past dynamics and expectations, injuries siblings have from childhood that were brushed under the rug instead of really 'solved'.   The biggest source of problems I've observed to date, has to do with who actually is more capable at different roles now that the children are adults, versus what the parent(s) perception is/are of them.   Typically, the parents have a historical view, or they might have a current view but the 'roles' are historically established.  And THAT is going to require someone having a PhD in Boundaries!

My recommendation to families who don't YET have a crisis in the family, is to start practicing these boundaries and then working out any ripples that come from that with the person / people who get 'rippled'. Again, all the dirt under the rug'll come out in the crisis so better to get it dealt with properly. 

That's my two cents! Hope it adds up with what y'all have written to be VALUABLE information for our followers. ~~ Mardy