Whitney Houston: "Am I good enough? Will they like me?" Body, Mind, Spirit Stress or Nourishment

Whitney Houston's funeral is on my television as I write this today.  I hope my words, the distillations of my thoughts and feelings, will help someone who reads them.  Many of the areas of the forums 'speak to' this seeming tsunami we have have experienced recently of musicians dying from misuse of prescription drugs and/or alcohol and other drugs.  I have never attended a service like her funeral, but have always enjoyed gospel music; I've been a long-time fan of soulful and bluesy music. There are many people whose hearts are feeling  today because they LOVED her music or were a 'fan', and she clearly had many people very close to her who are having to deal with her passing at this time, in this manner. 

"Am I good enough .... will they like me?" she is reported to have said in her first decade of her rising career. Dr Jacob Teitelbaum, when he spoke at a chronic pain conference in Berkeley in 2009 which I was also asked to speak at, said that chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia occurs in people who are 'trying to please impossible to please people'.  Whitney verbalized that in EARLY interviews, as did others who knew her then.  She wasn't singing enough like a black should, too 'popish'. She clearly said that the business was tough on her .. "I love to sing... and the business (not so much)", to paraphrase. Her health didn't tip into CFS/FM, but it tipped to substance abuse and addiction. Whatever that wound was from her youth, related to perfectionism and pleasing everyone, is addressed in a piece at Lumigrate by Judi Larson; links to it and my piece about Dr Teitelbaum's talk in Berkeley are at the bottom of this piece.  (There's a "Print" and email button too, if this seems like something you'd like to share with someone or yourself later.)

I was wrong 20 years ago when a professional musician, who had just come from something with her colleagues, asked me if Madonna or Whitney would make it further/longer, and my answer was 'Whitney'.  At the time, 'The Material Girl' looked to me like she was going to self combust over time, not Whitney.  Quite the opposite happened.  I wish that neither had, and both went on to have the successful, long-term and steady career that Madonna has created.  While I saw Madonna as a solid singer and VERY creative performer at the time, I equated Whitney with "Barbra" -- WHAT a one in a billion voice and talent!

Like, Whitney, I had a remarkably good voice when I was young, though certainly nothing on the scale of hers (pun actually not intended); she was one of the rare performers who surpassed what I thought I could have achieved if I had pursued singing as a profession and had a different 'constitution' related to performance. We shared a 'perfect ear' for pitch, which is another reason listening to her was so amazing -- she just nailed difficult notes ALL the time. Some of the singers today who most people enjoy listening to are sharp or flat so much of the time it's literally painful for me to listen to them.  

I did NOT have the passion for performing; quite the opposite, I wanted to not stand out, not make any waves in life, just 'get through with the least ripples from me adding to my burdened parents and home, the better'. She didn't lend her voice to her Catholic high school's choir, her best friend there was aware she did things on the weekend privately, going 'into the city' (New York) or singing in her beloved church in New Jersey. She had no troubles in high school per the school personnel interviewed today. Perhaps she had troubles and anxieties which she stoically covered up, and they just didn't know it.  I suspect so. 

Watching Ms Whitney as she rose as a star, I was always amazed at what it would take to have the voice she was blessed with, with the family of performers she was born into and blessed with, to take her career up the flagpole the way she did! What kind of pressures were on her? And who put them there?  The adults?  Whitney? Or Whitney as a proxy? She always looked so perfect and sang stunningly --- I'd marvel that a sound like that could come from a human being!  

Think of the timing of things: Her having been scheduled to sing our national anthem kicking off Super Bowl 25, just after the US kicked off the first Persian Gulf war.  "Luck", it is said, is the confluence of timing and preparedness.  She was certainly prepared. What an amazing performance! 

Ironically, the continuing medical education in Grand Junction which I attended last week was about medication compliance. Medication filling/obtaining, and PROPERLY utilizing it, is a HUGE part of what I have done with people/patients as an occupational therapist.  With Lumigrate as an 'educational tool', I utilize the website to write about things which I can refer people to -- providers and patients/consumers.  

I find it so ironic that in one week I've heard the medical professional establishment saying "people don't take their medications as often as we prescribe for them to take and this has negative consequences" and the people 'in the know' talking about Whitney Houston are relating her recent and long-standing history of drug abuse, some of which were provided by prescription 'legally', if you want to think of it that way.  

In 1992, I went to work for the Health Education Department at the Colorado State University Student Health Center, which included the Center for Drug and Alcohol Education. Since I was heading in the direction of studying occupational therapy, I became certified as a Peer Health Education through "Baseline Colorado State".  I remember an exercise we did early on in the course, where we were to stand on a continuum from not using drugs at all to using them excessively.  

I stood out, much further into the room than the mass of people who were hovered over near the 'none' wall.  But they weren't thinking of 'caffeine' and 'ETOH/alcohol' as a drug, or Advil!  They were thinking 'cocaine', 'pot' and 'prescription drugs'.  There was a lot of impact from that exercise and the concept was that each of us who went through the training would reach others in the future.  How am I doing?

Earlier this week on Facebook, I 'Shared' yet another FUN graphic about caffeine addiction; someone drinking a cup of coffee which is the size of a bucket of chicken.  Within the chronic illness community, the addiction to caffeine, in my opinion, is negatively impacting people's wellness in a significant way -- or sugar that is added to it and other things -- and keeping them from heading back/reversing their health back towards 'chronic wellness'. I like to add some 'levity' and 'innovation' to the thought process.   

I graduated with my degree in occupational therapy in 1996, and went out of my way to have internships at the Denver VA/Veterans' Administration Hospital, in physical and psychiatric rehabilitation. I am forever grateful to the education and experience I was given there, as I am for my two years at CSU's Health Education Department.  Then I went off over the next decade to gain extensive knowledge in geriatric rehabilitation, driving rehabilitation, inpatient/outpatient hospital rehab, acute physical rehabilitation, and home health.

The next step was starting my own company to provide therapy services at an outpatient PT clinic within a large, forward-thinking allopathic medical building in Grand Junction, Colorado. The first MD I marketed to said "I need a clinic which can treat my patients with fibromyalgia, nobody in town that I send them to can help them effectively, they actually do the opposite sometimes."  That was a bit 'off topic' for the PT clinic's focus historically, so developing a program for an illness I have had since the time I was in occupational therapy school; it was developing, without my knowing it, when I was taking the "Baseline" training and being immersed in "health education".  Too much stress eventually caught up to me, and in my belief and the way I have set up Lumigrate, that is stress on the body, mind, and spirit.  

What were Whitney's stressors on her body, mind and spirit? What did her formative years lack in preparing her for what she would face in adulthood and cause her to go the route she did?  I hope you who read think about that if it helps you 'reconcile' her death, and perhaps shed light on yourself or those around you who you care about who might have similar issues.  

I watched a two hour program last night, the night before her funeral, on ABC's 20/20, to glean some insights. I believe she had a perfectionistic quality which was her 'nemesis'.  With Michael Jackson before her, an acute pain condition from a burn he sustained filming a commercial, on top of MUCH stress for perfectionism and performance fostered in his formative years appeared to me to become the 'tipping point' for him.  The drugs given for the pain 'triggered' his behaviors after that, which entailed many plastic surgeries -- it triggered something in him about how he looked which was, in most people's opinions, un'realistic'. He was really beautiful as he was placed on the Earth, in my opinion.  

From what I can tell from the reports I have watched, Whitney was very stressed early on with the expectations SHE had for herself. The man she fell in love with was very different than the foundation she had from her upbringing -- it provided an infusion of 'the other side of things' which brings a natural balance, but also brought abusing drugs (including alcohol) with it, though he did not introduce her to that lifestyle. "Partying" as I noticed Whitney called it, as though that was a 'favorable expression'; I've known someone who was in as precarious a position related to their life ending from drug abuse who flaunted the 'partying' word, as if that made it 'okay'.

It seems to me that she had a lot of anxiety and insecurity, and while she had a spiritual belief system, what she was doing in terms of lifestyle which turned into addiction, unfortunately, does not allow such things.  Does that not cause 'spiritual stress'?  I'm not indicting her 'flavor' of religion, I believe that if people find a spiritual faith which works for them, it is one of the contributors to wellness of the whole person, it's simply an observation. 

I got the sense from her interviews that she truly embraced her faith and didn't have stress from it outwardly, but when Clive Davis spoke at her funeral, he referred to seeing her just before she had the episode which ended in her death, and they apparently talked about future project and she said she was training and would be ready in August.  I can only imagine that she perhaps went from there and into all that comes with the Grammy week and the pressure of the commitment she verbalized about her future with Mr Davis, her long-time mentor, simply overwhelmed her.   

Her daughter, who was the one having to get her mom out of the situations she was getting into around the hotel in the day or two before her death (in the bar early in the day, doing handstands near the pool later, etc.), is now 18, and perhaps the young woman was not as 'around' to support her mother as in the past and she had difficulty imagining the future because of that, adding to her anxiety. Whitney seemed to me to be someone who was never alone and perhaps not comfortable with being alone, being 'dependent' on others.  AND, it sounds, she was very supportive and giving to others.   I really hope that by taking the time to write about someone that MANY are aware of, it might help those reading to get some ideas which will apply to their lives or those around them. 

Lack of having spirituality or lack of clarity about it for a person can also be defined as 'spiritual stress'. Tyler Perry spoke eloquently about how she very candidly talked with him four years ago, and just as he felt it was time to intervene with wise or supportive words, she would then say '... and my Lord and savior.....'. Unfortunately, it seems these were words being spoken that somehow didn't have all the connectivity behind them to truly support her heavy tribulations.  

It appeared to me that she 'got it together' eventually and got the person out of her life who was bringing her the most stress, who appears to me on the day of her funeral to arrive late with an 'entourage' of 9, not being pleased with the way he was accommodated, and states publicly that rather than create a disturbance he kissed her coffin and left.  What?  If you don't want to make a disturbance you set your "a double s" where they set for you (again, NOT on time or early.. LATE).  To me, that was just a stunning example of what she had to deal with every day of their conflicted relationship.  

She initially succumbed to the 'downside' influence of this 'balancing' man and they had a daughter together who had to bear the burden of being the more solid and intact of the mother/daughter equation, something I relate to, unfortunately, from my youth, but nothing to the extent which "Chrissy" had to deal with.  She seems like a very solid young woman, and there certainly is a lot of strong family surrounding her. Whitney's mother seems to have always been quite strong and capable, and it was very impactful to see her being held up by each elbow as she followed the casket at the end of the service.  It was definitely a celebration of life and an emotional, touching service.  

Whitney completed and succeeded at rehabilitation initially.  It was when she attempted to 'come back' and her voice was injured from her abusing drugs (smoking marijuana with cocaine in it, according to her after, quite extensively for a seven month period at one point) that she again reached for mind-numbing/altering drugs.  For a perfectionist to not have the perfect voice she had is hard enough -- to know your smoking tobacco and marijuana with cocaine in it, another -- and when drugs are not allowed in the spiritual belief system you subscribe to, that's simply a VERY heavy toll on the soul.  

She was working with a voice coach, she had just been working the week before and she was 'right on' the professional in charge of the project reported.  Something inside of me thinks that somehow, the professionals, the friends, the family and Whitney, never really got real with what it was that caused her soul to be in such pain.  What was the injury referred to in the service which had been predicted to potentially render her unable to speak, let alone sing?

I also imagine her age was a factor; she's three years younger than I and I certainly don't work in the industry she does which is so focused upon appearances.  She looked marvelous at her last interview while filming a movie I believe is called 'Sparkle", but the way she broke into the interview with Clive Davis and two young singers who are on the way or at the height of their careers appears to me to indicate she was struggling with 'being replaced' by the newcomers. Aging is a difficult thing for most people, imagine the burdens it has on someone who was as image-conscious as she?  

The hurt that comes from having to accept that your past has lead to the present that you have is a BIG one, and it's a long haul back out of the 'drain'.  Most people have similar things happen in their lives in some way or another.  Most people simply don't have the pressures that came with being Whitney Houston. The way she truly did not like the cameras that invaded her private life, and certainly that of her child she had verbalized strongly, wouldn't lend itself to what would come with a big comeback.   

"Say 'Amen' to the choir....... clap for them........" someone said during the service.  Clapping in church? How refreshing! Where I come from, that's not how it's done! Kevin Costner's done a brilliant job of speaking at the service, including starting by thanking her church for their hospitality towards him and his wife.  He is bringing humor to talk about his first experiences with alcohol-like substances, at church, with the 'grape juice'. He would slam them back and pretend he was a cowboy and it was whiskey...  They shared a special bond, being raised in the Baptist Church, and being in The Bodyguard.   To think that in this church, her music career got it's start, beyond her very musical home, singing in the church, and today all who are there --- incredible.

Mr Costner is also touched to be in the spot where she had spent so much time. I have never watched The Bodyguard in it's entirety, and I'd never heard the story; he wanted HER, and waited a year for Whitney's schedule to allow it. He reports that she was 'perfect' for the part, he thought and he told the studio 'Yes, I've noticed she is black" which brought laughter to the people hearing these words.

He saw that she was scared before her screen test; she reported later that she would wake up and tell her husband that she was going to quit the project as it was too challenging and she was too scared, and he'd boost her up.  Mr Costner related how she'd applied more makeup before her screen test which melted under the hot lights, and how she was devastated when she saw what it had happened.  "Call it shame, doubt or fear".. we've all had it.  She still wondered "Am I good enough... will they like me."  It's the part that made her great and which caused her to stumble in the end." I'd say he just confirmed what I was thinking as well. 

Her insecurities about being good enough, he said: "It's the burden that made her great, and what made her stumble in the end."

She had a miscarriage while filming the movie and was back to work the next day. That seems unbelievable to me, yet I was back at work the day after my mother's funeral 25 years ago next month, who also died suddenly and unexpectedly due to substance abuse (ETOH). I also had big job responsibilities, The Clean Air Act Amendments of 1990 occurred three years later as a result of our efforts.  My health fell apart in 1989, through the mechanism of 'chronic fatigue syndrome'.  Hers went another route.  Making yourself and your family a priority over profession and what you're doing for 'those out there' is something I learned from someone significant in my life in my early 40s.  It is clear she loved her daughter; this was to be her time now that the daughter was a young woman of 18 -- I wonder if that had something to do with the timing of her death this week.  It kind of makes sense, psychologically.   

It's 2012, I hope we start seeing people for what they have to offer, where they are today, and offering our UNCONDITIONAL support of that. That does not mean you need to support and feed into their unhealthy behaviors, but to love them still.  I've loved people whose behaviors were not in their best interests nor mine, so I quit giving them time/energy resources; that's what has worked for me so far in my life.  Every moment we spend giving our time, energy and money resources, directly or indirectly to ourselves and others has an impact. It adds up. Blessings your way. "Live and Learn.  Learn and Live Better! ~~ Mardy

Link to my report on Dr Teitelbaum's presentation I referred to, above (regarding stress from "trying to please impossible to please people"): www.lumigrate.com/forum/jacob-teitelbaum-md-has-come-fatigued-fantastic

Link to Judi Larson's piece at Lumigrate about the SOUL and SPIRIT needing peace related to addictions and recovery from them: www.lumigrate.com/forum/judi-larsons-introductory-peace-about-soul-and-spirit-illness-and-wellness