Gratitude's the Attitude for ThanksGiving and the HolyDays

 "The Attitude of Gratitude" is becoming a buzz word/saying.  Naturally, in having Lumigrate provide information that finds the underlying cause for a medical issue and solves it, the mind/body connection reflected in gratitude is something I want to promote in general.  Now that it is the Holiday Season, which kicks off with Thanksgiving this week, I wanted to focus on this concept in this piece.  I am GRATE-FUL to have found this perfect picture for this piece; Grand Junction is 'the' grape/wine country of Colorado, and I'm grateful for all that has come together for me here which has lead to Lumigrate's existence; the words by Jonathan Lockwood Hule are perfectly paired, like good food and the right wine! 

It sickens me to see the hype in the popular media on the increasing shopping frenzy that starts while the Thanksgiving dishes are still in the dishwasher anymore!  I grew up in a family that was the 'typical American family'; lots of dysfunction layered within people who had good values and were hard workers and focused on family and getting together at the holidays.  My mother's cousin and his family got together with ours, alternating houses, throughout the year's holidays, including Memorial Day, Labor Day, Independence Day.  At Thanksgiving, her cousin Harmon, who was an attorney for a corporation that was very powerful and had a labor union, would enjoy his moment being center stage with the carving knife and fork and passing onto "us kids" the formality of carving, serving, and toasting.  

We'd use the china and nice glasses, and set the table properly, something which was my job to do EVERY night. Before my time, he apparently went on so long with his 'blessing' that the food was cold.  My father teased him for the rest of the years about that, and there were always many more laughs than 'issues'.  And there was LOTS of good food, the women were good cooks and enjoyed each other AND their martinis while cooking. I doubt there were any other houses that had so much laughter coming from only 8 people! 

Since my parents were both only children, I had no aunts, uncles or cousins. I only had one sister and neither of us had children, so when I said "I have the smallest family I know of", I was right!.  As time went on, the adults all "passed on", and I chose that expression over others because before they died they also 'passed on every day' lessons to us.  They shaped our families to become what they became, and in the changes that come from the elders 'passing on' the leadership to their offspring, much was passed on. In both cases the families fractured.  If you study 'systems theory', the analog of a spring is one I find useful -- in order to go from a coiled spring to a straight wire successfully it's best accomplished with slow, gradual stretching.  If it's pulled too rapidly and breaks.  So hopefully families will do the same with the transition from the parents being in charge to the offspring/adult children being in charge.  

This fall, Gwen Pettit and I are teaming up at Lumigrate, along with the support of the other writers, to focus on this life transition.  You can find Gwen in the forum on Life/Health/Spirituality Coaches, and me in the occupational/functional therapy forum; there is also a section about 'end of the road' life transitions which was started with donations from my friends who wanted to see more of this type of information on Lumigrate.  

If you have children who are grown, don't think your influence on them is 'passed'.  Each generation is raised by the one before, and each new generation has the ability to accept or not, what is passed along to them. That person becoming an elder has the ability to chose what they pass on and not to those younger than them.  That is our responsibilities as adults, and in my opinion, somewhere something has gone VERY wrong for many people in the United States related to how they spend their time, energy and money at the holidays. Parents have an influence on the family until the moment they die.  And their 'children', once old enough to be aware, have the opportunity to accept or deny those teachings.  

I appreciate that my family of origin passed along to me a focus on getting together with those you love and enjoying the process of cooking and eating and even cleaning up! They also passed on a lot of things I chose not to accept, or interpret differently, and in a way I became an 'outsider'.  However, I was able to be lined out with my body/mind/spirit with myself at least. And that's the most important person to have a relationship with.

I'm sharing the photo here that I'm so very appreciative to have: This was taken just as Lumigrate was being pulled together in 2008; part of my reason for getting out of seeing patients in insurance-based medicine and doing online education was I could do that from within my dad's house, as he was clearly reaching the point where he needed someone around every day. (And, my schedule was as full as it could be and the books didn't look good for being able to keep doing what I was doing with insurance-based medicine going the direction it was; I could help more people through a website; information really needing to get to people. So it was win/win to make that change.)  The seminars were midway being videotaped and I was hoping my father would come to Grand Junction for the winter and get some proper medical advise, live in 'the banana belt' with me as opposed to his mountain house with lots of snow, cold and danger.                                                                                                                                                                

After seeing how he was at Thanksgiving, I bought a good queen bed from a friend who was moving away and put it in the room that had been an office,  since Lumigrate had an office in the integrative center for our formative year, there as room at my house for him!  The way things were falling into place, I felt that things were truly blessed!  And then 'poof', a few days before Christmas, everything went a whole different direction. So, essentially, Lumigrate was being created while I was commuting five hours away for a few days to oversee his therapies at a subacute rehab facility and then I'd drive back and work with the staff.  Due to computers and cell phones being able to be used even in a mountain house in Colorado which didn't have a private phone line until 1990, it was quite amazing! We pulled it off!  He went home with the 24/7 assistance and supervision of my sibling's family and aside from continuing to prod about proper legal planning and getting hospice involved so they could be known to him and dovetail in to transition when the right time came, I had little involvement. 

And I am grateful for all of it.  He eventually was diagnosed properly, after months of the 'team' not acting upon my saying there was not a proper diagnosis to account for his symptoms, but it was a progressive neurological disease.  He did well six long months later, once properly medicated and had the opportunity to get his affairs in order with the aid of an equally inept legal team, and he passed in late summer of 2010. An already hard situation was made inordinately harder by incapable professionals who were being paid for their services -- he had outstanding insurance and the ability to pay for what needed to be paid for -- IMAGINE what others in the United States go through! It might have been my coping strategy due to being in the midst of such mess, but I believe it is my ability to see what is in my control and what is part of my plan with G-d related to why I've chosen this life to have at this time; it has deepened my faith in purpose and it has broadened what Lumigrate covers.    

At his funeral, almost two long years later, my best friend's parents supported me by sitting with me along with my one family member and the others related through marriage, friends, community members and neighbors.  They asked me to join them for Thanksgiving and I regret that I did not go;  it turned out to be their family's last 'normal holiday' with their patriarch as well.  I'm hoping they have a wonderful gathering this year and have their focus on what 'really matters to them', whatever that is! But NOT on what advertisements and companies have made us THINK is what matters to us, which has to do with spending money on their products or at their stores. The country has finally seen the effects of all of this which my generation has been the most guilty of indulging in, and I hope we are the biggest players in turning things around.  There are people looking to us for our leadership; I keep letting the generation above me know that we're needing THEIR leadership and input as well.  We're all in this together.  Thankfully, we have the resources if we apply ourselves.  That's going to take all of us working harder at our relationships, new and old.  

Through all this, these last three years, what I have returned to over and over, which deepened my belief system, is the concept of gratitude.  There was much that came with the whole 'dramedy', which went on for a very long time, that was unpleasant or worse.  It could have taken me under, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me and kick me down a few notches.  But thankfully, I've had a chronic illness which has brought a lot of trials and lessons to me for most of my adult life and I've learned how to navigate adversity.  Had I had a different family, a more functional/less dysfunctional family, I'd likely not have developed the chronic illness I did. I think of it as being 'in shape' for adversity, something which comes in handy in days like today! I chose to look at it all as having provided me with an advantage in life in terms of lessons learned and becoming a more 'real person', and therefore something for which I am grateful.   

I also choose to look at the family gatherings of my past with gratitude as well, because it has lead me to focus on people, not 'stuff', at holidays.  Today I am NOT thinking about what deal I'm going to get on something on Friday, and the advertisements and news about the hours that people are going to be going to work or to shop at the places those people work.  Think about the word 'consumer'... Who is being 'consumed'?  Who is in charge of it? Please be sure it is YOU, not a marketing person somewhere, being paid to create a frenzy related to buying stuff.  

No matter how you look at the current opposition to the 'powers at be' related to Wall Street/finance, I hope you're reading this and thinking about how YOU are spending your time, energy and money.  Live your days in accordance with your heart and soul.  When those things align, you're in 'the sweet spot' of life.  And if you have elders in your family, check out the things Gwen and I and others will be posting about related to making that part of their lives be something YOU are grateful for and thankful for having planned the transition well.  Without it, families fracture.  

I am leaving off with a quote from the author I turned to over two decades ago, whose books and words when I attended her presentation at Colorado State University helped me START to take my health and life in a different direction than what I'd been set up to have by a codependent/alcoholic family of origin.  You can't re-write history, but you can chose how you look at and accept the things that have happened, or not.  You have learned from things you now realize could have been done differently.  Every day we all make our best decisions about what we keep and what we toss from our past, whether that be material items, relationships with people, family traditions and behaviors that get passed from person to person, generation to generation, AND our memories and recollections and what we reinforce.  

Please take a moment to absorb Melodie Beattie's words. And have a GRATE ThanksGiving and start to the holiday season.  ~~ Mardy

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.

.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. – Melodie Beattie