Father's Day is today, the first one since my father passed nine and a half months ago. He died on Labor Day, the ultimate irony since he was the hardest worker. He worked at everything, even at having fun. Hikes or walks on the flatlands were monitored for how many miles per hour, ski runs were evaluated on the way back up on the lift, people were evaluated after parting from spending time together. I developed chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia in my 20s and 30s, but in the last year I've learned more about it overall and about my case in particular and now see the threads of symptoms going back to birth and infancy; if you factor in the genetic component with fibromyalgia, it truly tracks back to conception.
I believe Dad had fibromyalgia as well, as did one of his health care teammates in the many months of "mangling medicine" that transpired between the day he 'fell apart' and last Father's Day, when hospice thankfully finally got involved. I say 'finally' because of the 'mangling medicine' camp which was unwisely discouraging it despite my having been educated and vocal in my requests for eighteen months. Once it got past six months it was even pointed out that I must have been wrong in the first place since he was still alive; however, once he had a hospice team it was only two months before he asked to be euthanized, which of course is not within their legal reach yet, but they did tell him how you'll die without liquids so if he wanted to stop eating and most importantly drinking, he'd have his way out of this world on his own terms. And since he was a hard worker, he worked hard and persisted at that despite it being uncomfortable to be thirsty. He wasn't a fan of taking medication but when he realized pain and anxiety medications make you sleepy he then wanted them.
He essentially was in some sort of pain for the better part of 90 years and my first feeling and thought when he died was that he was out of pain finally. I'm always fascinated to study families where I know the parents and kids, because they're typically such an obvious amalgam of both parents and my family is no exception; I inherited and/or learned a lot from him, including the ability to get through unpleasant things. For that I am eternally grateful, and spiritually I believe I chose him as a father and teacher on this Earth this time around for that and many other reasons. I would not be doing what I am doing right now, writing on Lumigrate which is being followed by an increasing number of people if it weren't for him and my mother and the 'whole families' that come with a union.
He married a woman who could not have been more different than he, who I also recognize as passing on a lot to me. A fairly radical guy for the times, he shifted politically to the right enough to become a Democrat for the last stretch of his life. He was as left brained as left brained gets and on the autism spectrum; he actually was aware of that and had considered not marrying and having children. But one day he walked into a bookstore near the University of New Mexico and saw at attractive woman on the ladder shelving books and asked her out; they were both from Chicago, though very different parts of the city. He'd been in a neighborhood which had a lot of Jewish people, and I'm fairly confident he would have enjoyed reading Yenta. Last year I had the pleasure to visit for a few weeks and had with me printouts of the major parts of Lumigrate to show to someone I was going to meet with and I showed them to him and he wanted to keep them in the worst way! Naturally I let him have them and he shuffled off to his room and stuck them away in his dresser as though they were as precious as money or gold. That gives me great pride today and will everyday that I remember it.
At the parties my mother was quite the dancer and talker -- apparently I come by those traits honestly -- and he was content to operate the record player. He loved music, she couldn't have cared less aside from loving to DANCE. At his funeral, which my brother-in-law and sister, talented musicians who orchestrated a moving and fun ceremony which was more like a school music program than a funeral we were told, included the song I used to dance in my crib to when he played it on the piano. Oddly enough, I have memories going back to being in my crib, but I was crying and wanting to be let out of the prison that it was and was ticked off the adults weren't giving in and were laughing instead. As I write this, I realize I have recently laughed at my cat in her cage or on her leash, as she is the feline version of me in many ways -- definitely an independent soul who wants to explore freedom.
At that time, my mother was an artist who graduated in art education, and his grandfather had been one of the great Norwegian-American artists of the time, a complex character and most famous person in our family, who essentially drank his commissions away at the bar. Recently a friend and new contributor on Lumigrate, Lani Wallace, was at my house and wanted to see a photo of my mother as she was preparing to write about face reading, and I realized I don't have many photos of my mom. Most are at family gatherings or my wedding where she had a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other -- still the party girl! She was never the 'life of the party' but she was the glue of the party and our family, the catalyst that poured her gregarious laughter and banter into the conversation and kept things going. I've always had friends that were like that and I take a little more after my dad and am more comfortable in the background.
It was 1950 when they met, I believe, and they went on hikes but she was being a good sport and wasn't truly an avid hiker, so later that dropped away. So when he had kids, he often turned to us to accompany him hiking or in my case for tennis. We learned to ski as a family in the 1960s after my mother went back college to get certified to teach general elementary education, and they had enough money for some recreation. It had been a rough go for them for the decade surrounding when I was born. Again, she was an extremely good sport to try, as she had difficult feet to get comfortable in boots and finally she gave up and stayed home while the three of us went.
Once I stayed home for some reason and a terrible snowstorm came in, and only then did I realize what a worrier she was -- she stood looking out the window, chewing her lower lip and smoking more than usual, until they arrived home safely. Interestingly, she went back to acting like it had been business as usual for her around the kitchen, which meant smoking and playing solitaire and gradually fiddling over time in the kitchen to make dinner be on the table sometime much later in the evening. Dad maybe had a couple of sips or a drink on New Years. He was an early riser, she a night owl; I wasn't inclined to sleep well (a harbinger or symptom of things to come as I was in adrenal fatigue and didn't know it), so I'd stay up watching late night TV with her, breathing in more smoke second hand then be awakened at dawn sometimes with a knock on my door and request to go hike or play tennis or ski. If I said I wanted to sleep the response was 'you have plenty of time to sleep after you're dead'. Essentially I was in a bar-less prison of beautiful property where I did not have free will any more than when I was in a crib wanting to get out.
They had a few interesting things in common, though. For starters, they were honest and hard working professionals who believed in and lived by example what I call today the 'universal truths'. Since we didn't go to church or study religion of any kind, I wasn't 'talked to' about morals and ethics, it just 'was'. They both were only children with cousins of the opposite sex who were also only children and lived next door or very closeby growing up, so they were like brother/sister effectively. In the depression, my mothers family all moved into the physician father's home as his patients couldn't afford to pay him, and other rooms were rented out with my grandmother being the maid, essentially.
My parents also had dogs in common. My dad truly loved dogs passionately, and in the last years when he couldn't care for himself let alone a dog during the weeks while he lived alone with set up meals, he said "I think I could look at pictures of dogs all day long." It was one of the only things that really made him smile and feel joy consistently; he was lucky to have a special dog as a boy. I get my entrepreneurial bent from my mother, who had seen the business opportunity when they were stationed in England, to bring a few golden retrievers back to breed and show. They humans came back to the States in 1955 on a troop ship and the dogs came on the a luxury liner, the Queen Mary or Elizabeth, I can never remember which.
The problem was, they settled in Colorado and in 1955, believe it or not, there weren't any other of that breed in the whole state! They had to venture to South Dakota to get into a different gene pool. What is now the common form of golden retriever, the light colored, flat coated ones, were rare and the ones you don't see much anymore which are dark (as they had bloodhound bred into them to increase their ability for tracking) were the norm! I like to think of it as a hopeful analogy for the future where what we now call 'alternative medicine' is the 'conventional medicine'.
It was one thing after another with the litters of puppies and after many years of not giving up, my dad returned from the veterinarian's office after having to euthanize too many puppies for his sweet heart and did the most difficult thing for him in the whole world, which was to put his foot down and do something that would cause potential conflict. This left me with the best playmates in the world, the dogs that they no longer bred! I pulled myself up to learn to walk on those lovely dogs, one of which was to become a Grand Champion not too long afterward. In junior high and high school had my dog, who was an 'accident' and was half collie, hitching a ride on the back of my snowshoes in the winter -- they were the old fashioned kind with the rawhide and long wooden tails that dragged behind, making a perfect platform to catch a ride for my canine companion! The intelligence boost that came from the collie made her be the favorite of uncountable dogs that lived and died in their lifetime to be buried on their property.
I don't think my mother actually loved dogs, she liked the challenge they presented as an entrepreneur, just as later she became consumed with being the best teacher of troubled students she could be, or an organic gardener. My mother was always passionately into something and then that was all she was into, and I tend to be a bit that way. She was a reader and would read a book from cover to cover, she never picked up a book and didn't finish it. She was a minimalist -- she didn't have something unless it was absolutely necessary. She also was frugal and downright ungenerous. My dad was practical and lived by equations but he enjoyed a good bargain, having stuff, and that was a bad combination as he had a bunch of junk that didn't work right or was of low quality. I like to think I've found a good balance -- I typically buy things on sale but I buy quality things and look for good value, not 'bargains'.
About the time I got married when I was 21, she adopted two kittens from one of her friends, both of which outlived her leaving dad, a man who didn't particularly like cats and was allergic to them, with them as his only companions Monday through Friday. The long haired black one lived to be almost 20, and somewhere in there my dad changed and grew to be quite fond of cats. His last two nights of his life last year, he had my cat, who had impressed me with her intelligence by then by being a Yenta fan, keeping 'watch' outside his door and lying where she could see my door too. The next night when he was no longer fussing and being uncomfortable and sitting up on the edge of the bed (in which case we needed to wake up and get up and go assist), she slept on the foot of my bed as it was near where I'd put the baby monitor so it didn't keep me awake all night. I truly believe she figured if she heard something I didn't she could awaken me.
My dog had, 38 years before on the return from one of two ill-fated trips camping with a trailer he bought hoping Mom would get out there and 'do something' with us, traded off with me in the back seat keeping an eye on him to be sure he wasn't going to fall asleep. At that time I was 12 so he was 51, my age now, likely fully in the throes of fibromyalgia which was causing the ill-fatedness of the trips -- the fumes outgassing in the newly purchased trailer made him ill the first year, the second year was a toothache. On that trip we'd tried to find a camping spot and got down a road that dead ended and he couldn't back the trailer well so he showed me how to pace off the turn around area and do the mathematics to determine if we'd jackknife turning around or be successful. We had to back it out a long distance and it just was a very long day, but I certainly appreciate what he was trying to do for us, particularly being able to 'commiserate' and not just sympathize with how tired and in pain he was.
So growing up, one of the best days of the year was Father's Day because it was the one time my mother would come on a day trip and go hike with us and the dogs. We lived where one could hike every day right out our door. I'd take the dogs after school and then feed them, then he'd come home and if he was lucky there wouldn't be anything needing fixing or muscles or brains beyond what we could do to alleviate his list of chores. I high school I only once participated in anything extracurricular, which was the school musical -- I had a particularly good voice and enjoyed singing but it proved too taxing and difficult to maintain my home work and required a second round drip of 25 miles. My mother's priority, sadly, was to socialize over coffee and cigarettes in the teachers lounge with her cronies, and was not one to give of herself even when it was for her own children's benefit. But on Father's Day, we'd pack a lunch and just spend the day together driving further into the mountains, usually one of a handfull of places my dad would go on is own typically, eating the lunch just sitting on rocks on the trail, and coming back home. But it was special and provided fond memories and subtle lessons for me, I believe.
I hope that today people acknowledge their fathers and father-like figures in their lives in truly meaningful ways without making it a materialistic 'thing'. Stuff is just stuff, time and experiences are the real deal, especially when you spend your resources of time, energy (and money) on something that the other person likes to do which is not really your 'cup of tea' (pun intended since my dad was a tea person, but herbal, not caffeinated).
Because of the benefits of having my dad's life end with a progressive neurological disease which afforded us years and decades to be prepared, with only the last two Father's Days being extremely different and modified because of his condition escalating to affect his eating and the 'mangling medicine team' not having been receptive initially to my suggestion there was a movement disorder at play, they'd opted to stick in a feeding tube without a neurological consult even happening, and a 'dimentia' diagnosis because the brain scan showed brain shrinkage. Ironically, his height had shrunk from 5'11" to 5'4" when he was admitted to the hospital, but they didn't stop to think that might be something to analyze and diagnose what the cause was. The physician he'd seen every year for the years he lost a total of seven inches of height and 50 pounds didn't do more than hand the requested prescription for thyroid supplementation yearly, address a skin cancer repetitively, treat inflammation in his hands with antibiotics and not look at the underlying cause of the inflammation, which was a severe wheat allergy. Unbelievably, and unacceptably, the doctor's office was not concerned when he drove himself to the office when he thought he was having a cardiac event about a year after I called for the first time and made an appointment to take him and find out what was going on; I called back and told them he politely refused to have me do that for/with him and cancelled the appointment. It turned out it was gastric pain and they handed him a prescription and at a dose that for his age was documented as being too much.
And so for Father's Day today in honor of my dad, like every day I will work hard and keep whittling away at what I call 'health care reform via Lumigrate'. This "first fatherless Father's Day" isn't a sad occasion. I'll do something to honor him or remind me of him -- the other day I donated a little money to a waitress who is taking care of a cat until she can find a home for it and shared a little bit with her about his history at the end of his life rescuing a cat with my sister's help on his property who amazingly outlived him. My days have been filled with work lately which is a good thing, but fortunately I'm as interested in the topics on Lumigrate and what we're doing with it to help people as he was crunching statistics and forecasting sales. He'd approve if I just worked in his honor today, or if I rested -- in his old age he became wiser and more rounded and balanced in many ways.
The blessing in disguise which we shared also has to do with medical issues changing you to be different people and experience different things -- to make you grow as a human being as your life shrinks outwardly. Fortunately, for Fathers Day last year, Hospice got involved with his care and allowed him to once again get back in control of how the end of his life was to be.
If you're lucky, you come full circle in life -- he did, and I hope I will too. It's so much more diverse and a bigger adventure for learning than being the same all the time!
Enjoy your day and the people and things in your life that are blessings and mostly, let them know you do.
Below, Amber, Yenta's #1 feline fan. Her favorite Yenta piece was the one about the airport security-sniffing dogs finding narcotics on Yenta. Amber loves to travel but prefers to go by automobile and hopes to travel someday to meet Yenta in person -- it couldn't hurt! ~~ Mardy
To read Lani Wallace's piece in the aesthetics forum on Lumigrate.com about face reading, the link is www.lumigrate.com/forum/face-reading-beauty-us-all [1]
To read Yenta's latest piece about having a good cry with contribution as followup from Judi Larson, Certified Addictions Counselor/3 and spirituality coach which might shed some light on how a person can get out of the cycle of addiction to alcohol, the link is www.lumigrate.com/forum/lessons-history-include-crying [2]
Update from Father's Day 2014. SpoildeyCat had an onset of what turned out to finally be diagnosed as a very rare neurologic 'cross wiring' that is a genetic disorder tripped by --- the things that trip things --- we call it 'load theory' at Lumigrate. The onset of clear symptoms was in the early weeks of 2012, and she was euthanized in April 2013, beautifully done by a holistic, homeopathic veterinarian in the next county who I finally found out about by continuing to ask around. Ironic how much her history and my father's (and mine) mirror each other.
Yenta's writer also was making her way in a different direction around that time and we are grateful to having helped her find her writing voice and stretch her wings and fly. ~ Mardy
I went on to continue learning and in looking back at something only three years I can see that there are links now I'd like to tell people about here.
Pyrole disorder, aka pyroluria (and a bunch of other words in the past it was called as well) and an 'inner tension' and alcohol use and abuse, for one.
Lyme disease being found in the majority of cases of 'fibroymalgia' patients and other progressive neurological disease, such as Lewy body disease, ALS, MS, Parkinsons and 'the etceteras' as I call the overlapping conditions affectionately. Biofilm, which I learned about from connecting with Richard/ Rich Longland and instantly worked into topics on Lumigrate. Through his very high quality sharing of topics on Facebook, along with many others who share quality information around, I've also brought new topics to Lumigrate's forums on the relatively NEW research published on the Internet if not in the conventional journals on aluminum and glyphosate (Roundup) causing the gut problems that results in food sensitivities, and being connected to autism and chronic disease/Lyme/etceteras.
I'll not do the links, I'll encourage you to jot some search words down and plug them into our Search bar. Part of what I've done in the last three years is to do more keystrokes and teaching people how to do better with their internet time and effort/energy expended (and money as indirectly we are paying money for our connection or our time, etc. )
And I'm please to see that in 3 years just over 1,000 people had read this blog. I hope they all took something away with it that benefitted them. In reviewing it today, and knowing that I got 'punished' by someone in the family/friends circle surrounding my father's inner circle, I'm proud of the person I was three years ago when I wrote this, and stand by it today more than ever. My intention was to show that there is a connection to chronic illness and family of origin 'issues' from the formative years that were stressful. Adverse Childhood Experience resarch and information is part of what I was setting the stage for with this blog -- I had thought we were going to get more from Dr Young at that time.
But his life and work life took him in a different direction after we'd discussed that and it would not come to be. He's a conventional psychologist in an allopathic medical building and he was inspired by our collaborations and the integrative approach that we were going to be offered by an ill-fated clinic that we all got behind in 2008 and 9 which didn't materialize the programs and collaborations we'd envisioned and planned on. So it goes. "Best laid plans" as the saying goes.
And I adapted and went on and Lumigrate now has another whole layer of content that's 'outside the box' -- our followers/YOUsers have shifted over time but continue to grow at a nice, steady pace. By doing things as I do now, I can find a new source like Richard and his nonprofit, check them out, and have our YOUsers with the resource at their fingertips here within a day and not have to get their time to allow them to find out who we are, check us out, find time to register and post and etc. We simply needed to keep up with the RAPIDLY EXPLODING amounts of information 'outside the box' or that is 'outing' the corruption inside the box. We're in the 'new age' now, things are moving fast! Thanks for being with us, I hope you'll benefit from what Lumigrate provides. ~ Mardy
Live and Learn. Learn and Live Better! is my motto. I'm Mardy Ross, and I founded Lumigrate in 2008 after a career as an occupational therapist with a background in health education and environmental research program administration. Today I function as the desk clerk for short questions people have, as well as 'concierge' services offered for those who want a thorough exploration of their health history and direction to resources likely to progress their health according to their goals. Contact Us comes to me, so please do if you have questions or comments. Lumigrate is "Lighting the Path to Health and Well-Being" for increasing numbers of people. Follow us on social networking sites such as: Twitter: http://twitter.com/lumigrate [3] and Facebook. (There is my personal page and several Lumigrate pages. For those interested in "groovy" local education and networking for those uniquely talented LumiGRATE experts located in my own back yard, "LumiGRATE Groove of the Grand Valley" is a Facebook page to join. (Many who have joined are beyond our area but like to see the Groovy information! We not only have FUN, we are learning about other providers we can be referring patients to and 'wearing a groove' to each other's doors -- or websites/home offices!) By covering some of the things we do, including case examples, it reinforces the concepts at Lumigrate.com as well as making YOU feel that you're part of a community. Which you ARE at Lumigrate!
Links:
[1] http://www.lumigrate.com/forum/face-reading-beauty-us-all
[2] http://www.lumigrate.com/forum/lessons-history-include-crying
[3] http://twitter.com/lumigrate
[4] http://www.lumigrate.com/blog/cats-and-dogs-and-hikes-my-first-fatherless-day#comment-1241
[5] http://www.lumigrate.com/blog/cats-and-dogs-and-hikes-my-first-fatherless-day#top
[6] http://www.lumigrate.com/user/login?destination=node/788%23comment-form
[7] http://www.lumigrate.com/user/register?destination=node/788%23comment-form
[8] http://www.lumigrate.com/blog/cats-and-dogs-and-hikes-my-first-fatherless-day#comment-1242
[9] http://thesimpletruthcoachingandcounseling.com/
[10] http://www.lumigrate.com/blog/cats-and-dogs-and-hikes-my-first-fatherless-day#comment-1243
[11] http://www.lumigrate.com/blog/cats-and-dogs-and-hikes-my-first-fatherless-day#comment-1244
[12] http://www.lumigrate.com/forums/health-issuesdis-eases/fibromyalgia-chronic-pain-and-chronic-fatigueexhaustion/it-cant-hurt-o
[13] http://www.lumigrate.com/blog/cats-and-dogs-and-hikes-my-first-fatherless-day#comment-1245
Comments
Big Pete passed away recently after a more sudden yet equally drawn out, "medical mangling" situation which I can only wish for the family, which is my 'framily', is feeling like a recent hole which will fill in over the next months so when they're another nine months out it's a peaceful process to look back upon. He also was a 'cat man' and that is also why I brought Amber onto the pages of Lumigrate today. I've written elsewhere that he rode with me as our family had two limos paid for long ago in a package deal, and it was an honor to have him and his wife on my right at my father's funeral last fall.
He had always liked my dad and offered to help if Dad needed anything when we couldn't get up there as he was but a mile away. My dad never took him up on it but the phone number and my explanation/reminder of who he was still was there on the refrigerator months after my dad passed on, when I was over to attend to Pete during the funeral of his mother in law. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours. Let's all pour our tears and then have the sun shine now. Blessings your way Pete and family and friends, you were a good guy and I'm so grateful you moved up and brought such a wonderful girl into my world to become my instant best friend, bonded over the hail and lightning and surviving the storm! We did it again, guys! ~~ Mardy
Live and Learn. Learn and Live Better! is my motto. I'm Mardy Ross, and I founded Lumigrate in 2008 after a career as an occupational therapist with a background in health education and environmental research program administration. Today I function as the desk clerk for short questions people have, as well as 'concierge' services offered for those who want a thorough exploration of their health history and direction to resources likely to progress their health according to their goals. Contact Us comes to me, so please do if you have questions or comments. Lumigrate is "Lighting the Path to Health and Well-Being" for increasing numbers of people. Follow us on social networking sites such as: Twitter: http://twitter.com/lumigrate [3] and Facebook. (There is my personal page and several Lumigrate pages. For those interested in "groovy" local education and networking for those uniquely talented LumiGRATE experts located in my own back yard, "LumiGRATE Groove of the Grand Valley" is a Facebook page to join. (Many who have joined are beyond our area but like to see the Groovy information! We not only have FUN, we are learning about other providers we can be referring patients to and 'wearing a groove' to each other's doors -- or websites/home offices!) By covering some of the things we do, including case examples, it reinforces the concepts at Lumigrate.com as well as making YOU feel that you're part of a community. Which you ARE at Lumigrate!
My father and I were not close until his later years in life. My father, being an alcoholic, a relationship was not possible. I did reflect yesterday on my father and the relationship I was grateful to have with him in his last years. I am blessed.
To change the subject a little. My soulmate, Mike, was out on a motorcycle ride with a dear friend on Saturday. We woke up Sunday to Mike's brother at the door. He was there to inform Mike that his friend was killed on his motorcycle on his way home from riding all day with Mike.
This incident has left me with many things to be grateful for in my life. How Mike is handling this experience has shown me the inner strength one human can find from their inner spirit in a time of tradgedy.
To be in Mike's presence through this brings me peace and comfort. Yes, we talked last time I wrote on Lumigrate in a wonderful piece initiated by Yenta about tears and their power to heal, and I hope we speak about the concept of soul mates in the near future, as well; I continue to get clarity myself on this concept, through situations like this.
Mike has, and will continue to, shed his tears of healing from this loss. However, what stands out to me as I am watching him go through this loss is his "inner strength" as a being. I have shed tears from being in his peaceful presence. I am reminded that from every loss comes healing and new growth.
Mike will be forever changed from this loss. And he will come out a much greater being from this. I feel honored to be able to see a soul transformed from loss.
Mike has tears currently for the loss of a kindred soul. The day will come when he will have tears of joy as a result of the many wonderful moments they had together. Mike will share the memories with many. This man's soul stories, told through Mike, could heal many hurting souls who listen to the joy that comes from moments spent with a soul friend.
So anyone reading this article, if there are tears to be shed, let them flow. And then, with time, look forward to hearing what Mike has to say related to his friend who passed this weekend -- as Yenta says "It Can't Hurt!"
There are so many hurting currently, I am blessed to be with others who understand, and thank you.
Judi
Judi Larson loves living in Palisade, Colorado on the east end of the Grand Valley of Western Colorado. Her formal education includes what is reflected in the 'initials' after her name: Bachelor of Arts in Social Work, Certified Addiction Counselor - III, and Certified Life Coach. Respectful that education is much more from life, she believes "The best education I have received taught me 'To Thine Self Be True' and 'Nature is my friend', which is represented at her website if you follow the link to http://thesimpletruthcoachingandcounseling.com/ [9]
Judi, on Sunday, Father's Day, I woke up as it got light out and had a feeling I needed to get up and write a blog related to Father's Day. I know that so many people have things get kind of 'dredged up' on these holidays and recognized that for me, this was the first year since my father passed on and that I was in a boat with a whole lot of other people who had histories that affected their presents. That is why I set out writing this blog, and for those who write blogs it's not always at the end what you set out to write in the first place, but that is the therapeutic and 'real value' of it, in my opinion.
In years and 'chapters' past of my life, for 7 years I rode a motorcycle as it was my husband's passion. He had hydrocepahalus and barely managed/intractable seizure disorder. He'd been the next 'rising star' in the hockey world of Minnesota in the late 1960s and all that ended up not coming to fruition. Walking caused enough concussive effects on his brain that more than a gentle stroll of a mile or so was detrimental. But the athleticism involved in motorcycle riding was a good 'fix' for him; I consider myself very brave and would have been considered foolish had I been injured or dead, for having done about 50,000 miles as a passenger. Since then I have had a few more 'motorcycle enthusiasts'... I'm an equal opportunity rider now: BMW, Yamaha, Harley. It's definitely a sport that has risks and benefits to it.
Two years ago in May (2009), I was shocked and saddened deeply to see one of the nurses I've ever partnered with on a team had died in a motorcycle crash. I attended the funeral/memorial and learned she was a long time passenger with her husband but in her late 50s (I'm guessing) she wanted to have her own wheels. Memorials are like movies or stories to me so this is my recollection of it, which might be a bit off so excuse me if I am incorrect. The first week she had her own bike and license and the group she and her husband had ridden with in the past with her as a passenger went the hour away on a beautiful spring evening for dinner. On their return, her co-riders observed her adjusting something with her foot / gear and that lead to her driving into the guard rail, resulting in her death.
I was so saddened, not only for the patients who I knew adored her, as I'd been her teammate with one very complex patient / family, who she ironically had beaten to the finish line of this life! I recall being more taken with the irony of THAT, and then realizing my own mortality a bit more, and appreciating that complex relationship we have with our patients and how that communal patient's team had just called me to hospice a month or so before. It wasn't 'overwhelming', but 'ironic' and 'interesting.
I don't know that I understand it at a spiritual level still, but I was able to go to the memorial. I arrived on time and there was a line 'out the door, standing room only' at a big box church and rather than sit in chairs in the fore-room which they graciously offered, I preferred to stand in the back of the sanctuary room. I'm glad I did. I got to see her sister speak, and see the reactions of the people she was mostly speaking to in the front rows as well as the whole room, related to feeling endicted about her getting her own bike. The take home message was 'her whole life you couldn't stop her from doing what she wanted to do', and I got that. Having had the history I did, where I facilitated and participated warily and with much stress, a man's deep-seated desire to have some sort of outlet for his athleticism and need for speed, which I entrusted the powers at be to keep me safe when 'along for the ride', I stepped forward at the end to speak to her. The sister was very appreciative of my 'getting that' and invited me to come to their private afterparty but I wasn't able to do that. That may be where my experience with this family and most wonderful soul left off for a while.
On my way back to town in my vehicle, I observed a 'real' biker pull over under the shade of a big cottonwood that May afternoon of 2009, drop his head, and give into his grief. I believe memorial tributes have a lot of work put into them by the families and clergy to provide healing; observing that man was as powerful as anything I experienced that day. I actually believe it's touched the same place in me that seeing a man weeping at the Vietnam Memorial with his little son; and that was, for the record, the traveling memorial, I have never been to Washington DC to see the actual 'real' memorial.
I imagined how he kept his emotions in that whole time he was sitting up front being spoken to by the service, exhonerated by the sister if he was part of the people who had encouraged or allowed or gone along with an older inexperienced rider buying her own wheels in order to do what she felt she wanted to do. Ultimately, it was her unique and sole soul which knew it's truth and did what she wanted to do. She did what she sensed or felt to do. And that was her reality. I needed to be at peace with that! I had to not think about the therapists like myself who were going to wish to pick her brain as I did, totally lost without a point of reference one day and within a month be sitting across the room from her at the most challenging of conferences completely lining out a workable and successful plan of care of our mutual patient.
Our patient passed three months later, and I was not able to make the journey to the other side of the mountains for her service, but followed up with the family individually and let them know the most amazing oncology nurse I ever knew had gone before her by three months.
I'll look forward to anything Mike has to contribute in the future when the time is right for him. And naturally, I appreciate your posting this, Judi and find it very 'ironic' that I was finding it necessary to get up and write early on Sunday morning and posted this piece related to where I'm at in space and time and sincerely appreciate how we are clearly in this together. I hope this piece was a mechanism which paved the way and allowed for you to have an outlet to share your grief and thoughts, as it was for me.
Blessings your way. ~~ Mardy
Live and Learn. Learn and Live Better! is my motto. I'm Mardy Ross, and I founded Lumigrate in 2008 after a career as an occupational therapist with a background in health education and environmental research program administration. Today I function as the desk clerk for short questions people have, as well as 'concierge' services offered for those who want a thorough exploration of their health history and direction to resources likely to progress their health according to their goals. Contact Us comes to me, so please do if you have questions or comments. Lumigrate is "Lighting the Path to Health and Well-Being" for increasing numbers of people. Follow us on social networking sites such as: Twitter: http://twitter.com/lumigrate [3] and Facebook. (There is my personal page and several Lumigrate pages. For those interested in "groovy" local education and networking for those uniquely talented LumiGRATE experts located in my own back yard, "LumiGRATE Groove of the Grand Valley" is a Facebook page to join. (Many who have joined are beyond our area but like to see the Groovy information! We not only have FUN, we are learning about other providers we can be referring patients to and 'wearing a groove' to each other's doors -- or websites/home offices!) By covering some of the things we do, including case examples, it reinforces the concepts at Lumigrate.com as well as making YOU feel that you're part of a community. Which you ARE at Lumigrate!
Mardy my dawlink!
If it were at all possible to have a reincarnation of one's self whilst still alive (and without an accent) I'd say, you were me.
Please thank Amber for the countless "meow-inks" when she approves my writings, bubeleh, she's quite the beautiful feline. So tell me, how is she going for the walks? Ellen used to attach a leash to her cat in NY, Barnie, and take him for a drag. But I digress. And yes lieblings, she stopped doing that after the second time; it was obvious he didn't want to go on the leash.
I'm very happy to read your Pop liked to read my stories. He probably knew more Yiddish than my own meydls (girls) do growing up in the "Jewish" section of Chicago. He may have even known my Uncle, who knows? But that drive your Dad had, don't sell yourself short, Bubeleh, that comes from both your parents.
There's a saying... there's always a saying... you've heard it before I'm sure; 'I'll rest when I'm dead'. You're driven, this is gut (good) but too driven is noch gut (not good). Mardy and everyone else, you must remember, stopping from time to time does NOT make you foyl (lazy), or a shlekt shlump (bad person); it just means you're a kluger (smart person) to preserve or restore your strength in order to continue. To drive yourself so hard that you end up being ill? Is that really a gut idea?
So I had this friend (of course I did), who NEVER expressed her feelings. She was always happy, always smiling, always laughing, always had a positive outlook. You should think this was a good thing, no? There was a problem, however. Because she didn't aroysbrengen (express) anything negative, it would fester inside her and eventually she became krenk (sick). Now, back in the day the doctors didn't know any better and put her to bed, gave her some pills for sleeping and nothing more. I don't think I need to finish telling you the rest of this. The point, however, is though it's important to be happy it's just as important to express EVERYTHING else. Your mamale (mother), Mardy, didn't do that - don't fall into that "trap". Your Yenta is here for you, dawlink.
That goes for you all kindeleh. Express your feelings, don't hold them in. You don't want them to hurt you and getting them out of your body and mind is the best thing you can do. Perhaps redirecting them into something creative such a hike, like Mardy's father would do, is a gut (good) idea. It couldn't hurt!
Your
Yenta
Yenta Tellabenta is truly a 'creation' for outreach and education with Lumigrate.com through storytelling and reinforcement of key concepts related to body, mind, spirit. Written by a very talented and somewhat mysterious younger wise woman who found her way to Lumigrate the summer of 2009, we hope you enjoy having your own Yenta with us at Lumigrate! Yenta (meaning 'town gossip' or 'connector') has a dedicated Forum at Lumigrate at http://www.lumigrate.com/forums/health-issuesdis-eases/fibro... [12] and can also be found on facebook.
Hi Yenta -- thank you for the wisdom, it's always appreciated and good to see you in the blog commenting! I'm amazed you think I was sounding like you, I'll take that as a compliment. I'm glad you read the blog and posted. See the things that can happen when we both happen to have time? Today is the first day of summer and the 'holiday of solstice'... a LOT of snow fell in Colorado's mountains yesterday and a lot of things were making me think about various things, so we'll see what today's blog brings. If we're lucky I get it done before something else distracts my time.
Such as Amber and her walks. And by the way, I think you would have made a wonderful occupational therapist. Your suggestion to redirect emotions into something 'creative' (such as a hike) brings to light a therapy concept of using a creative or a destructive task in therapy. I'll use the example of pottery -- you can construct something out of clay OR you can take someone to a safe place with safety gear and throw the mistakes and 'throw aways' or otherwise let them destruct. I thought of pottery as there's a new writer coming in to talk about building communities here at Lumigrate -- how they are created, how each one is unique but there are similarities and differences to others. In building the type of community at Lumigrate of the people who are in the place to benefit from our experts about body, mind and spirit, it's wonderful to have a social ecologist volunteering to write. He's an artist and his favorite media I believe is clay. He has invited me to join them sometime on the day they meet up to create. I hope to make the time soon.
That media as well as woodworking was one of the main things the original OTs did with patients when OT was 'invented' almost 100 years ago. At the psyche unit in the 1990s at the VA, where I went out of my way to get that core/historical education as I loved the theory and foundational principles, they resonated with me very strongly while most of my classmates in college were not particularly intrigued, they used ceramics as you got both aspects in a balance -- they had the molds, mixed and poured, fired in the kiln (the 'n' is silent, by the way, little known fact), then scraped, sanded and finished/painted/glazed and fired in the kiln (the 'n' is silent, by the way, little known fact). Also, if you've ever done such work, many things don't go right and you have to deal with it. The mistakes provide the opportunity to talk about how you handle things not going as planned or desired, loss, and then you salvage what you can and start over again. Once you get good enough AND have some luck maybe, there's something lasting and created uniquely by you.
I had a lovely conversation last night with Dr. Dee (Deirdre Rawlings) last evening and it was kind of chilly out so I opted to skip the walk in the evening as Amber is used. Not good to let animals or people get their way all the time, and she can be quite the drama queen. She plops down much like a child does except not on her tush. Then you can almost see her make her peace mentally and goes back to her contented self. As for learning to walk on the leash, we did that with a harness at first and that made her slither on her belly -- she didn't seem to mind the collar. I use a dog collar, naturally, that doesn't have a breakaway so I have to stay pretty on guard -- she's definitely wanting to be free. So am I! We don't always get what we want, as the song says.
Breakaway cat collar talk reminds me of my first experience wearing a lanyard at work, to have an ID badge on. I was mid 30s and on the second of my two internships at the Denver VA, so this was fall of 1996. A new patient had been admitted to the psyche unit and was in the group that I facilitated and I sat next to him (my supervisor across the circle from me) since he was new to everyone, including me. "That's on a breakaway in case I try to strangle you, you know" he said, looking to see my reaction. The ability I had to appear unphased and unrattled during times of stress came in handy professionally that day and probably every day since. The easiest way to describe OT in it's 'essence' of foundational concepts is it being a cross between physical therapy and behavioral / mental health therapy, and using functional tasks as the platform where we interact with our patients. At this point in my life, early 50s, I hope it conveys to you, Yenta and other readers, that I'm a realist and have come to a place spiritually where I accept my history, I actually believe I selected this path of life I am on right now to be learning in the past intensively so that in the current and future, my experiences and some of the people I've had the pleasure to work with as amazing colleagues will be part of who is on Lumigrate to provide services in THEIR areas of specialty, as I am in mine.
Smart cats, like smart patients, are the most difficult to do your best work with -- they're a challenge and more complex. The first day I had her on a long leash made of bungee covered by protective cloth, it got caught on a large thorn on the rose bush by the patio and she kept pulling and the collar broke away. The next day she immediately went on that trajectory to find the freedom she accidentally happened upon for a few seconds the day before. So I put her on a small dog collar when outside or going places where I have her on the leash. She also LOVES to go places in the car, so I try to keep her in that habit as it allows me to not have to board her or find a sitter, and she's enjoyed many homes with me. Not so many lately as I've been planted working a lot this year. But I regularly get her outside on leashes and have to work my way in when dogs aren't out there offleash for our safety, she feels very vulnerable with the leash as she can't run to escape -- I'll be the 'tree' she climbs and I'll essentially be in the midst of it.
But as for the leash, she had her moments where she flipped out, pitched a fit -- only when I wouldn't let her go where she wanted to go. A great analogy and metaphor about humans and life, really; an amazing teacher. As you know, Yenta, we can learn much from how animals behave about our human cohabitants on the planet. I've been talking with Becca Slomiani, NP and Gary King of ITC, as my labwork showed adrenal fatigue indicative of too much stress, and part of their strategies has to do with regular meditation, prayer, Tai Chi -- breathing and mindfulness. I also was talking about it with Dr Dee, whose new class/program starts this week/Wednesday with a free seminar. She's a cat fan too. Maybe we three can write a piece soon together about animals and their place in wellness. "It can't hurt!" ~~ Mardy
Live and Learn. Learn and Live Better! is my motto. I'm Mardy Ross, and I founded Lumigrate in 2008 after a career as an occupational therapist with a background in health education and environmental research program administration. Today I function as the desk clerk for short questions people have, as well as 'concierge' services offered for those who want a thorough exploration of their health history and direction to resources likely to progress their health according to their goals. Contact Us comes to me, so please do if you have questions or comments. Lumigrate is "Lighting the Path to Health and Well-Being" for increasing numbers of people. Follow us on social networking sites such as: Twitter: http://twitter.com/lumigrate [3] and Facebook. (There is my personal page and several Lumigrate pages. For those interested in "groovy" local education and networking for those uniquely talented LumiGRATE experts located in my own back yard, "LumiGRATE Groove of the Grand Valley" is a Facebook page to join. (Many who have joined are beyond our area but like to see the Groovy information! We not only have FUN, we are learning about other providers we can be referring patients to and 'wearing a groove' to each other's doors -- or websites/home offices!) By covering some of the things we do, including case examples, it reinforces the concepts at Lumigrate.com as well as making YOU feel that you're part of a community. Which you ARE at Lumigrate!