Educating Your Loved Ones About Your Health Limitations

I wanted to post a link to this piece on the online version of Psychology Today.  The printed magazine was a huge part of my childhood as a subscription to it was what my father's cousin gave our family every year for a holiday gift.  I looked forward to anything coming to the house that was readable: I remember eating breakfast at the kitchen table reading the toothpaste box as a child even!  

Occupational therapy, which my degree and career is based on, utilizes a great deal of psychology in finding what motivates a person, and from there you base your treatment plan for getting their body/mind/spirit doing what is needed for their condition.  

I very much like this author and am putting the book on my holiday wish list for this year! I hope Santa sees it! I guess PRINTING this and leaving it out as a hint might be one way  -- or I could email it to Santa!  

This article is written by Toni Bernhard, the author of the How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and their Caregivers [1], winner of the 2011 Gold Nautilus Book Award in Self-Help [2]/Psychology.  She can be found online at www.howtobesick.com [3].  

I want to share part of the ending to the piece, which I hope encourages you to read the whole piece by Toni Bernhard:

"In the end, you may have to recognize that some loved-ones may never accept your limitations. Some family and close friends may refuse to accept that you're disabled by pain or illness. I know this from personal experience and it hurts. Try to recognize that this inability is about them, not you. Don't let their doubt make you doubt yourself. Your medical condition may trigger their own fears about illness and mortality, or they may be so caught up in problems in their own lives that they're not able to see their way clear to empathize with you. Just as you can't force people to love you, you can't force people to accept you. But getting angry at them just exacerbates your own symptoms.

That's why it's important to protect yourself from allowing their lack of understanding to continually upset you. Think of it as protecting yourself from another chronic condition: chronic anger. The physical suffering that accompanies chronic pain and illness is hard enough to endure without adding emotional suffering to it. When I feel let down family or close friends, the first thing I do is acknowledge how much it hurts. Then I reflect on the many possible reasons for their behavior.

Finally, I work on genuinely wishing them well. These three steps immediately lessen my emotional suffering."

Here's the article link, below, which includes what Lumigrate 'is all about', which is YOU being the person who takes the controls of your health care and life, not just by chosing a good team of providers and others around you related to your health care, but in educating them about what YOU need to go back to or closer to "chronic wellness" and away from the "chronic illness" that brings you to be reading here.  

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201111/head-holiday-stress-educating-loved-ones-about-your-health-limitation [4]

I'll add to this that, in reflecting recently upon what has gone on in my "family of origin", which I specifically add the 'of origin' onto as I do not consider them 'family' today, I did a fairly good job of making a 'choice' and not following in 'habits' or 'patterns' that were established and expected.  I tried to find a balance that was beneficial for me and allowed me to engage with them but not continue to get eaten up in the dysfunction which was part of why I ended up with a chronic illness in the first place.  In the end, the dysfunction of the family dynamics lead to things that I was not prepared for, because I had not gone far enough with looking at the dysfunction -- I was still giving too many 'benefits of the doubt' and making considerations, though I was being criticized for having had too high expectations.

Again that was the balance that I was "chosing to see and be", and it ended up being a big lesson to me.  "There's no free lunch", but now I have shifted yet again and am looking forward to having all that be in the past and for the first time, truly being free of the dysfunctions that come with these situations.  It's not something that can be wished away, it literally takes the time and processes to occur, and I encourage people who resonate with what I'm saying to look at it without resentment and anger but as a learning experience which shapes us with the challenges and what we do with them!

I encourage people to look at Lumigrate for information on "Adverse Childhood Experiences" or ACE and chronic illness in adulthood.  I find it fascinating that if I fill out the ACE questionnaire with my childhood history in mind or with that of my father or my mother, mine and his are exactly the same.  It gets so passed on if we don't 'stop the cycle'.  In mind/body/spirit 'functional medicine' like we promote at Lumigrate, you cannot have health and wellness by only addressing SOME of the aspects, it takes addressing it ALL, and that includes the childhood experiences piece.  "Letting Go of the Shame/Blame" is another popular piece at Lumigrate I created two years ago for the holiday season, which I encourage you to find (forum on psychology/mind).  

With Gratefulness for authors like Toni and people who are utilizing Lumigrate for their education, as well as the past which has brought this to be a priority for me every day, and particularly in the holiday season related to family 'stuff' that comes with it.  Here's looking forward to healthy futures and happy holidays ahead! 

~~ Mardy 

The link to my piece about going from something bad happening to you (and the shame/blame cycle that comes with that) to "letting it go" is: www.lumigrate.com/forum/let-go-shameblame-game-better-health-cheryl-young-lmft [5].  I'm pleased to see it has had 1,000 reads in the 2 years since I prepared it with Cheryl Young's inspiration and oversight.  That's 1,000 people who might be better today and tomorrow!